Tag: Anxiety

Monday, The Step-Child of the Week Days!

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There is just something about Monday. Most people would rather skip it but as mature adults we must turn off the alarm and stumble to the tea/coffee pot.

The hubs is changing his hours from being off Tuesday and Wednesday to being off Friday and Saturday. To get to that he has to work 12 days in a row or something similar. So Monday will continue to be a work day. Although he actually gets dressed and goes to work. While I stumble out of bed, brush my teeth, grab my tea and head to my office in my jammies. Any change in schedule throws the Anxiety Fairy into high gear but for some reason she just hasn’t shown up. That’s a win in my book!

This week-end I finished The Silent Girls by Dylan Young with bookouture and Perish by Lisa Black with Kensington. Both bloody, messy, serial killers and I loved every gory minute of it. I actually had two Kindles going and my Amazon Fire, so if anyone’s battery was getting low I could just grab another device. That’s how good these were. They both come out this month.

Today I’m starting I’ll Stay by Karen Cleveland.  Enjoy your Monday, be full of gratitude that you woke up!

xx Patricia

Reading, but not much Writing

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It’s been raining all day. I didn’t wake up until almost noon and while I wish I could say it was the rain, it was more of me being totally wiped out from yesterday.

The allergy season here in Oklahoma has been intense this Fall. According to the weather experts it won’t get any better until we get a hard freeze. I don’t think we had one last winter so I’m not hopeful. Anyway….I’ve been waking up in the morning and instantly having asthma attacks for hours. Yesterday’s being the worst. And then there come the breathing treatments that leave me feeling like I’m holding a live wire! I hate that feeling. So we set about to try to see what was setting it off only at that time of day.

I am fairly certain it has something to do with the a/c vent blowing right in my face. I hate a/c and would never turn it on if I lived alone. Today a couple of things happened. I woke up and OU Boy had me a cup of coffee ready, as that usually works as well as a burst from my inhaler without all the Albuterol shakiness. Caffeine makes me sleepy and today I was sore from coughing and all I wanted to do was stay in bed. On to part two.

I love my bed. It is old and antique and huge. A sleigh bed with an enormous headboard and footboard. OU Boy has re-enforced the undercarriage several times because I love this bed so much but today he came in and sat on the end of my bed and the entire thing collapsed. It was time to face facts. The bed was dead and there was no coming back from it. Since it took me years to actually pick out a bed I assume it is going to take me a while to find a new bed. So we bought a temporary bed frame and said good-bye to my old friend. And by doing this, we had to rearrange the rest of the furniture, and now the a/c vent is nowhere near me! So maybe my bed was trying to fix the problem for me.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Or I may have to move to Arizona! I’m pretty sure it’s drier there than it is here.

I’ll get to all of your blog posts tonight I hope!

xx Patricia

Life, Miracles and an Eye Update!

The saying above is so very true. Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. And we should be noticing them. Being mindful, being engaged with the moment you are in and not thinking ahead to what’s next.

June 28 was a year since I woke up with a corneal ulcer and totally blind in one eye. When we finally got it uninfected, I had to wait while the thing healed. Then the end of February I had surgery to remove the scarring and the cornea and have a transplant.

2 months ago I had 2 stitches taken out. I didn’t see or feel anything then. Yesterday I spent hours with different cameras taking pictures of the little fellow clinging to my eyeball and the 14 stitches left holding it in place. And then my surgeon took one more out. This time I saw all of the equipment and I was amazed how tiny scissors and a needle can be! I’m progressing very well. My vision in that eye is still wonky but improves a few days after these stitch removals. Not as in good enough to drive or anything like that, but it’s improving. Now we shall start removing them every 6 weeks and then I’ll have another surgery.

My surgeon asked me what this past year has been like for me. Scary, full of anxiety, a lot of whining and moaning dramatically. But I also don’t rely on my sight completely anymore. My sense of smell and awareness of the things around me are heightened. I am extremely mindful of every thing I do. What the people around me are doing. I do one thing at a time. I let people help me. Pride has gone who knows where.

While my husband has to leave the room for every procedure as he is squeamish, my doctor and I do a lot of talking. About books, tea, especially tea. And yesterday he said,” You know through this whole thing, you’ve never complained to me. Never said no to me. You sit still as a statue and let us hurt you and learn from you and you never say a word. How do you do that?”  Me: “I trust you”. And that is the truth. I trust this man who is the best in his field. It’s just that simple. I trust him and the gratitude I feel for him and his residents is enormous. I have had tiny miracles every step of the way. When things should have gone bad from the beginning, they didn’t. When I had no idea how I was going to come up with $30,000.00 up front for the surgery, it just showed up in my mailbox the day before Christmas Eve.

Today will be a rather uncomfortable day but that’s to be expected. I’ll still be able to read because I have one good eye. And that’s more than some people have. Notice the tiny miracles around you. Seek them out. Make them happen.

Thank you all for supporting me on this journey. Now, go be someone’s miracle worker!

xx Patricia

Hello Saturday, let’s chat

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Today has the potential to be very ugly. All over the United States. People aren’t feeling very united. So today I’m putting all of my energy into just loving people. It’s hard for people to be ugly to you when you are actively loving them.

For those of us with Anxiety issues this unrest can’t stop fast enough. I can’t control anyone else’s beliefs or actions. I can however refuse to engage in harming myself or others. So I don’t care who you are, know  that today someone loves you. And wishes the best for you. You don’t have to follow the crowd, be you and speak the truth.

Have a wonderful Saturday and tell someone you love them today. Maybe not the post man though because he looked at me oddly when I said it.

xx Patricia

When All Else Fails, Get In The Tub!

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It is Friday. And Lord knows I’m trying to keep calm, but yesterday was one of those days when I just wanted to mute the entire world.

Whether it was listening to the carpenter next door installing new cabinets, the man in the driveway honking the horn for his kid or listening to the orange man spew nonsense, I had reached the end of my patience.

I admit I love to argue. I love nothing more than a good debate. And yesterday was one of those days when my poor husband almost took to wearing a disguise.

First I commented on someones post about a friend coming out in public. A supportive comment. Then this happened:

Idiot:  Oh, so you believe in lesbianism?

Me: Uh What?

Idiot: God made an Adam and an Eve. Did you ever ask yourself why he didn’t create two Adams?

Me: Uh Noooooo….no I did not. *uses Block Button*

Later in the afternoon said patient husband reminded me we had no food in the house that wasn’t liquid and we needed to go shopping. Just go ahead and picture the worst 2-year-old tantrum ever and that was me. The entire time I complained it was cold while he was saying things like “This is way cheaper at the other market” which I took to mean we were going to multiple markets, and immediately began to whine again. So I made him stop at the library where I proceeded to check out 20 books from the children’s department.

Even though it wasn’t a Yoga day, I figured I had better do something before he tossed a Xanax in my mouth. I even got pissy with the yoga lady. I mean she doesn’t even sweat. Ever. Or fart. Who never farts in yoga??  Well it didn’t work so the husband tossed the Xanax and I became a kinder, gentler human until Big Brother came on.

The events of the past couple of weeks have had my anxiety at that level where you feel like you’re holding a live electrical cable. And I realize that it’s going to take a few days to come down from living at that extreme. So I picked up #TheBlogess’s book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened so I could laugh and not feel alone in my craziness!

Now I’m going to go lounge in a bubble bath and pretend I’m in Bali with a Saudi Prince.

xx Patricia

In The End We All Become Stories..

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Thank you for the pity party support yesterday. Turns out they gave me the wrong date and time, so I didn’t have to go to the meeting until next week.

Then my Bestest Friend, OU Boy, took me for some retail therapy. Turns out I just needed a new swimsuit, running shoes and a hat. Who Knew?

I have a ton of reading to do over the next few days, plus finishing up a Human Resource Manual so I got up super early, I’m talking like 6 a.m. and did 6 loads of laundry and folded it and put it away. I have dinner in the crock pot. I’ve made two pitchers of Tea. One good old sweet tea and iced Tazo Sweet Orange. And the biggest thing of all…I ran a mile. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but when you have wonky vision from the corneal transplant still  and wear a cup over one eye, it was a lot. I may have looked like a drunk, since I do still have the depth perception and balance issues, but it felt good. I’ll be back to 5 miles in no time I’m sure.

Back to The Wilding Sisters….ooooh good!  What’s your story today?

xx Patricia  salad

The Mermaid Life or Why I Live in the Bathtub..

I am quite sure there is not much that can not be fixed by being in the ocean. As someone who grew up on the ocean and lived by an ocean until nasty Katrina came to call like there was going to be a prize for ruining the most lives that year. Snarky, I know, but today is just one of those snarky days.

I am supposed to be getting ready for a meeting, but instead all I want to do is sit in a tub of warm salt water and read about someone else’s problems. All this to say I’m in a really bad mood. There has been a lot of foot stomping, deep sighing, and yelling at people for no obvious reason.

I’m so nervous about this meeting and my nemesis Anxiety knows it’s about him ( yes, him, no self-respecting lady would be so nasty and clingy) so I believe he thinks he can make me cancel at the last-minute. Which to be honest I’m really feeling like doing right now.

What I should do is go to my happy place, my safe place. The bathtub where I spend hours reading and ignoring the world. But I’m already dressed and I really don’t want to have to do that again. So I’m going all Southern and taking to the bed. My Momma took to the bed most of my childhood. It’s basically a southern way of saying we don’t want to deal with your ass today. And Anxiety I really don’t have time for you today so if you could just run on over to my sister’s house I’d be much appreciative.

Enjoy your day and sorry for the bitchin’ and moanin’ as my Momma said.

xx  P