When Anxiety Has You By The Throat

I’ve been away for a couple of days now. It’s been 7 months since I contracted an infection in my left eye from a contact lens. A brand new contact lens. At first it was a wild time just trying to save the eye and then it was healing it. I have written plenty about it the last few months and at my last visit my Doctor told me it was completely healed and that I would need 2 operations. One to remove the deep scar and then a corneal transplant.

Yesterday was my check up and getting all my measurements done for the transplant, which will come first. I was ready. More than ready for this to be over. But it just didn’t go that way. I had so many drops yesterday that when I got home and could see a little bit my pupils were so big I looked like some Emo character or a Meth user as someone told me.

Now I have full faith in the Dean McGee Eye Institute and my surgeons. They are in the top 100 of Best lists all the time. Yesterday they said we are starting with the transplant. There will be about an 8% rejection rate and for the next year you will have to be extremely careful not to bump it or rub it or even looks at it. Okay I made that last one up but I’m moping now so let it go. After that year, they will go in and remove the small cataract that formed when I was on the steroids. There is a very fine line between healing and harming with steroids.  I basically zoned out after that. Shut down. Came home and sat in a chair silently for hours until I fell asleep. Dreaming of a Stephen King scenario with someone else’s cornea. A dead someone else.

To admit that I’m scared to death and horribly angry is not something I’m used to doing. I am the strong one. I am the one who does the helping, the advocating on behalf of the patient. And now I just feel like crying.

You can’t really see anything wrong with my eye but I can’t see out without it looking like 4 layers of plastic wrap are hanging there. I will never be able to wear a contact in that eye again. My mother reminded me yesterday that I was 16 when I started wearing them. That I went to the eye doctor and worked out a payment plan and brought those suckers home.

The good news is that my right eye isn’t great on far away but excellent close up so I can read!  But if you too suffer from anxiety you know that even that isn’t enough to keep you from spinning it into something much worse.

Thanks for listening and thanks to all of you who have messaged me encouraging words.


xx Patricia

45 thoughts on “When Anxiety Has You By The Throat

      1. Good grief, I guess so! All my best to you, I had no idea. 😔 There’s an NPR story from long ago that, if I find it, I’ll send it to you.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Thanks for sharing your concerns with us. I feel really positive about the outcome. You said you were in good hands. These doctors will certainly help you heal. Keep your head up and a smile on your face. Blessings are coming 😃

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That’s terrible. I’m so sorry you’ve been suffering all of this. I’m glad you sound like you’re in the best hands now and are on the road to having things get better.
    I hope that reading continues to help. And if you need to rest the eye after the operation, there are always audiobooks…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Prayers to you as you prepare for your transplant! I don’t wear my contact lenses that often, but your story makes me want to even more conscious of what I do now. Thanks for sharing. And you’re not alone – I’m afraid to be vulnerable, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My doctors at the eye institute said there has been a 50% increase in infections with AirOptix lenses. I had no clue that even our tapwater contains some level of the pseudomonus bacteria! Thanks for the support!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m happy to hear you have confidence in your doctor. This is a scary thing for you and it’s great you shared it here. We’re all supporting you with prayers and good wishes. And you’ve probably helped a lot of people by telling us about this problem. I’m going to message my oldest son about the AirOpitx lenses to make sure he steers clear! We love you, Kiddo.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. That is scary and you have every right to be scared!! Let yourself be. You’re a tough cookie. That’s obvious to anyone who reads your words..but even tough cookies need some time to re-group and prepare for the scary stuff. I will continue to send positive thoughts and vibes your way. You’ve got this. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Patricia, you are amazing. I have so much I want to say, and I guess it all comes down to one thing: loving what your presence brings to my life. May you be blessed by love, Patricia!! See through the eyes of love (that’s what my spiritual teacher J-R has said… so good for me). Anyway these are a bunch of random thoughts. Hope you get the caring behind them. Blessings, Debbie ps – feel free to share anytime if you want with me — my email is weloveyou@forgivingconnects.com

    Liked by 1 person

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